movie thoughts: Twilight (2008)

I need to say this first: I am not a fan of Twilight.  I couldn’t even finish the first book and I only know what happens in the other three from talking to my friend Amy and reading Cleolinda‘s hilarious summaries.  I can’t stand Bella, I felt that Edward was not attractive at all, and that it had all been done better in Buffy.

That being said, the movie totally lives up to the book. 

First red flag – a narrator.  I remember reading a book on screenwriting and the guy said you should never EVER have a narrator, that this was usually a sign of lazy writing and most of the time the things being said would work better shown.  So…yeah, Bella starts off the movie in voiceover mode.

Bella Swann moves to Forks, WA and OMG IT SUCKS. Everyone is so pasty (so the vamps can blend in a bit better, except for Carlisle who still looks WHITE), and nice to her (I don’t remember everyone being so nice to her in the book) and she wants to be with her mommy (who is, at least, a presence in the movie more than I felt she was in the book).  That is, until she sees Edward.  Because he’s not just pasty, he’s also dazzling. 

Okay, I can’t do it anymore, the snark is too easy – you probably know the story and if not, click on the link .  I will say that I was ready to watch a movie starring Alice and Jasper because they seemed far more interesting than Bella and Edward.  Robert Pattison’s hair had a co-starring role in the film and clearly weighed heavily on his forehead because he spends the entire movie with his brow furrowed, looking like he has a massive headache (though if Bella was your “girlfriend”, you probably would to).  I guess Kristen Stewart was fine as Bella, because Bella is pretty much worthless and Kristen seemed to be okay with that (though she doesn’t seem to be able to close her mouth all the way and she bites her lip waaaaay too much). 

I think one of the biggest mistakes the writers made was actually giving Bella friends.  In the book, she doesn’t really make a connection with anyone in the school and that bothered me because she had no human friends to talk to.  But in the movie, they make everyone in the school really nice and they want to get to know her and be friends with her but she’s just too good for them.  And once her and Edward are together, she comes off as “I’m so much cooler because I have a boyfriend – I don’t need you lame meatbags”. 

And you don’t realize how lame Stephenie Meyer’s vampires are unil the fight sequence at the end.  They have no fangs, they have relfections, they can go out in sunlight — honestly, they are not even vampires.  She should have named them something else.  When Edward and James are hissing at each other like cats, its more comical than intense.  And when Edward wants to show Bella his true face, I was ready for something a bit weird, but he just sorta looked…moist.  “You’re Beautiful”.  Oh yeah, that’s real tought to say when he’s shimmering like diamonds (and not, say, getting a big bumpy face with fangs).

Look, I’m a HUGE Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan and it’s hard to read/watch Twilight without thinking of Buffy/Angel.  And now I’m watching the relationship between Sookie and Bill evolve on True Blood.  Both of these pwn the characters on Twilight.  Because Buffy and Sookie are real people, with hobbies, friends, jobs – they are fully formed characters before they get caught up with the bloodsuckers.

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